New rules for Pakistani diplomats
Going by what has been appearing in some of our newspapers and heard from certain anchor pundits, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Islamabad should immediately set about the task of preparing new guidelines for the ambassadors it sends to other countries. Country No 1 on the list should be the United States as the current ambassador here, Husain Haqqani, has been charged with being “too friendly and too close” to the Americans. Without doubt, the high commissioner in New Delhi, Shahid Malik, has been either already accused of the same misdemeanour or will be after the month of Ramazan is done.
The new guidelines must contain the following instructions for all serving ambassadors:
The first duty of an ambassador in his country of accreditation is to wreck good relations, in case they still exist. In the pursuit and fulfilment of this prime duty, the ambassador should be ruthless. No opportunity should be missed of insulting the hosts, denigrating their leaders and criticising their government. The ambassador should begin to spread ill will the moment he sets foot on foreign soil.
To let the host government and its leaders know what his/her country thinks of them, the ambassador is instructed to insult the head of state in person at the time of presentation of credentials. The ambassador should put on the most ragged pair of blue jeans that can be found — must be torn at both knees — while his footwear should be the dirtiest pair of sneakers that can be obtained. In case such a pair is not available, a new pair should be slashed with a knife in various places and then rolled thoroughly in dirty water, caked over with black mud and sprinkled with black and blue ink. Under no circumstances should the ambassador wear socks, not even a torn pair.
Male ambassadors are instructed to go unshaven. The stubble must be at least 10-days-old. Hair must not have been washed or a bath taken for at least a week before the credential presentation ceremony. Women ambassadors should be sloppily dressed and under no circumstances should they come wearing makeup. Their hair must remain uncombed and unwashed. There is no need for them to have brushed their teeth either (also applies to male ambassadors) for at least a week.
When the head of state extends his hand for the ambassador to shake, the ambassador should look at the ceiling and whistle. Ambassadors who can’t manage to whistle should belch or produce equally rude sounds. Women ambassadors should also reject the handshake offered and scream at the head of state, “How dare you insult the modesty of a Muslim lady! You are an enemy of Islam and Al Qaeda will be only doing its Islamic duty if it were to send you a cyanide-laced letter.”
The ambassador should miss no occasion to insult the country of his/her accreditation. Ideally, he should go on television to express his contempt for his hosts. He should also do his best to publish articles in the local press with such titles as ‘You call it a country? Ha, Ha, Ha!’
The ambassador is instructed to neither offer hospitality nor accept any. In the unlikely event that the ambassador does find himself at a diplomatic reception, he should use the occasion to hurl invective at the host country. He should tell everyone that this is the most miserable spot on earth to which he has been sent as punishment. The happiest day of his life, the ambassador should declare, would be the one when he leaves for home.
Any ambassador who is seen as soft on his hosts should be immediately recalled and sent to a penal colony in Kohistan or handed over to Mangal Bagh or the Tehrik-e Taliban Pakistan spokesman Muslim Khan for necessary reform and re-education.
If these instructions are followed in letter and spirit, it is to be hoped that before long, most if not all countries would have declared Pakistan’s ambassadors persona non grata and ordered them to leave within 48 hours, if not earlier. There will be no need to have any friends anywhere in the world.
Since Pakistan is God’s special gift to mankind, it is entirely His responsibility to take care of it. Any effort by citizens to interfere with the Almighty’s grand design will only bring His wrath upon their heads. Since there will no longer be any Pakistani embassies or consulates or trade missions anywhere in the world, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs would be abolished, resulting in vast foreign exchange savings. The present premises of the Ministry in all fairness would deserve to be handed over to the rightful legal heirs of the owners of the old Hotel Scheherzad.
One direct consequence of this revolutionary policy and its achievements would be that a number of newspaper columnists would have nothing to write about any more, especially a certain deadly member of the other half who has been thundering about the foursome that is pushing Pakistan over the precipice. She has identified the foursome as the “US-Haqqani-Malik-Durrani network”.
While there is no need to specify who Haqqani is, by Malik the lady means Rehman Malik and for Durrani, please read Mahmud Ali Durrani, former general and ambassador and now the national security adviser. The US of course is the Great Satan.
Alas, had friend Mushahid Hussain become president, he might have restored her lost think-tank job.
Khalid Hasan is Daily Times’ US-based correspondent